Posted by Zura on March 17, 2008
Then be it, there is no relationship without problem, isn’t?😳
I was free on Saturday, but not Bang Ashral. His working schedule was tuesday, friday, and saturday. His lecture schedule was monday, wednesday, and thursday. In his break time, he phoned me. He told that he was bored coz he’s not doing anything since morning, just sitting and keep his chair stay in place.😆😀
Then our conversation’s going to be serious. Didn’t take too long, I try to tell him that actually I’ve tried to love him, but the result, I can’t. We’re agree that humans feeling in relationship divide to be these level: like, dear, then love. I told him that I’ve liked and dear to him. But for love??? Seems I can’t give it even I’ve tried…😦 I still in doubt. But honest, I think he’s not the person I’m searching for. Most of his criteria didn’t meet what I’m really need so much. And for me, he’s not my Prince Charming. For me he just the person who fill the emptyness in my heart, not to place it, nor to have!!! But I told him smoothly and kindly so he’s not get hurt or sad.
But I’m wrong, it’s false. He’s begun to cry. He’s really cry. Oh My God!!! Is he really love me? I’m quite unbelieve it. I’m not trust him, and it’s really hard to trust his word and his love. But people told, when a guy’s crying for a girl, it’s a sign that he’s really love her.😳 perhaps that’s true… Coz, I don’t want to be cheated! Then he begun to feel sad. He ask me, What means him for me??? “Apa artinya abang selama ini buat ila???. Apa ila g’ pernah ngebayangin gimana rasanya kalo ila kehilangan abang suatu saat nanti? Sementara abang hampir tiap malam mikirin dan bahkan nangis cuma karena mengingat gimana kalo suatu saat nanti kehilangan ila… Gimana kalo waktu itu g’ diberikan lagi buat abang buat ngeliat ila…”. Then he begun to cry… Oh GOD!!!😕 He really loves me… He really affraid to lose me… Darling, please forgive me my word, if I can change the time, I wouldn’t tell it to you!!!😥
We’re online for about less than two hours, actually one half, I guess. On the end of conversation, he ask me for dinner… He kept persue me to be with him for dinner, I refuse. Frankly I trust him, I won’t doubt for his faith… I just afraid what’s going on of our conversation later. I don’t want to lose him, really not. So even he’s doing everything to persue me, I still refuse… Yang ila takut bukan dianya ntar ngapa-ngapain ila (takut dikit sich😛 ), tapi yang ila takut ntar omongannya menjurus ke akhir hubungan ini…
At afternoon, for about 5 p.m in volleyball field near to my house, I was playing volleyball with my friends. Didn’t take too long, he came. I can see him, but just for a moment. I’m affraid to him, he’s looking so said. But when I try to look him for twice, he’s gone… I dunno where, maybe back to his home. After playing volleyball, he came again, quite long, actually I’m waiting for him… We’re talking with our friends. When ustad’s calling to pray (adzan), He ask me once again, to be prepare for dinner. And once again I refuse him. And I know he’s getting dissapointed.
It’s raining on evening, but just for while. Then we’re gathering in my house, me, k’ iwid, yona, netty, ustad and oky. We’re learning to play guitar… :lol: No one of us can play it. Cuma petik sana petik sini aja, gitar nya.. hehehe… Truz sok-sok ngeliatin buku lagu, ambil ngejrengin gitar sembarangan.😛 Then about 8.10 p.m, Bang Ashral’s phone me. He ask me what I want him to bring, as it’s quite cold of weather… I don’t know what to request, so I answer up to him. Then I ask to my friends, they requested some snacks. Then he ask once again, What I want him to buy? And once again I asnwer, What he want to buy for me, just buy it. I’m not wish him to buy me anything. It’s just up to him… I’ll eat it during it’s healthy and delicious.😛
Then he bought everything that my friends have requested, include book song. And we’re on discussion again, make jokes, laugh, singing, and eating.😆 But Bang Ashral looked so sad and dissapointed. He spoke not much, just answer whatever we ask, then occasionally laugh when there is a joke. He’s just playing guitar, seldom singing. Then he’s typed on his cellphone. I’m quite curious, then not long after he’s done, I borrow his cellphone, pretending want to hear MP3. Then I searched what he’s done for his cellphone. And thanks God! I found it. Obviously he was made a poem for me. It’s about his sadness, his dissapointment to me. Oh God! How sad! How pity! On the end of his poem, he wrote that he’s gonna fix his heart first. And I realized that it was beginning of the end of our relationship. Then, my eyes’s getting wet. I can’t hold this tears, but I must control myself, we’re gathering… Kami sedang ngumpul, g’ mungkin donk ila nangis dihadapan orang rame… It’s 10 p.m, it’s time for sleep. Yona and Netty went home at 9. Then K’ Iwid and Ustad went home for about 10. And now we’re 3. Me, Bang Ashral, and Oky. And it’s time for him too, to go home. Then I told him, I’ve read what you typed on your cellphone. And I’m trying to understand him, that he was so sad and dissapointed, maybe he needs to thinking. Then he request for our permission, he’s gonna back home… And he just said, “abang pulang ya…”, dan kayaknya dia mo nangis gitu! I know he’s begin to cry… Oh God!!! Deep in my heart, I really care to him, I don’t wanna make him hurt, don’t wanna make he sad… what I’ve done!
I can’t sleep, nor close my eyes. And what a pity, I don’t have any pulse to make a call, nor to sms! I’m waiting for his call, or just sms to say “Gud night, honey… Have a nice dream!!!” No, He didn’t do it. But thanks God! There is a service of my SIM card, it’s named Telkomsel Call Me, it’s free.. (Buat kamu orang Indonesia, pasti udah tau dunkz…😉 ). I often request it, and it’s work… When I use that service before this night, he always call me. But not for tonight! He just send this message :
“Don’t worry about me… I’ll be alright… We’ll be alright 2… Everything… Believe me…n pliz forgive me. N once again… DON’T WORRY about me… I’m promise we’ll be alright…”
Oh God! Now I begun to cry, cry, and cry…😥 I’m just think about him.😕 I really can’t sleep now! I’m trying and trying to use that service until the limit is over, but he didn’t call me. How dare him!!! In one side, I really care to him. But on the other side, I hate him to treat me like this!!! But thanks God I can sleep for about 1.40 p.m. And under my control, I woke up at 4.25 a.m. And how sick and sad I am acknowledge that there is no message on my cellphone from him… Then I slept again…. Till it’s 7 a.m… After waking up, I really begin to cry again,😥 coz there is no message or phone from. He usually phone me around 7 a.m to wake me up and ask me to get breakfast, eventhough this is holiday. But now he didn’t…😕😥
I can’t feel my pain, I didn’t aware that I was keep crying, sad, and just think about him. I didn’t take breakfast, nor taking a bath. I tried to use Call Me service over and over again, but it still didn’t work. I get stress, then I turn on my favorite songs from Evanescence, then sing it loudly. I don’t care what will my neightbors say… Now the only thing I care, why do he doing this to me!!! Why do he choose to be a looser?!! Why do he don’t call me anyway!!! I am really sad…😥
Haahh, I can breath now. I look outside, and there are my friends. I join them. Then share to them what happened to me till I sing those songs so loud.😆 Emberassing…😳 Now I’m aware I shouldn’t do it.😛 And then I’m join my friends till about 1.30 p.m. And still, no update from Bang Ashral. Now I’m really get anger, I mean to give him 3 days time, to rethink all about us. Then give me the answer… But what happen? He still didn’t call or message me, or even show his face to me! I really wanna break up. I don’t want to continue this relationship at all… I think everything’s over. Beside, I don’t love him too much, or don’t love him exactly. I just consider him, but I do really care to him. I dunno what to call it dear or love. But I’m sure it’s not love. How impossible I give my love to a person like him. NO!!!😡
And it’s going rain again…. 5.15 p.m My brother’s back… And it’s stop for raining. I request my brother to take me out around to set me free, beside the weather is cold, wish my stress will gone. And I think it’s working!😛 But we’re take around just for a while, after get home, didn’t take long time it’s raining again…. And Bang Ashral didn’t shown up yet or give me even a single news about him.😕
I decided to turn up the radio of my brother’s cellphone, on veranda. Guess what!!! He phoned me!!! Oh God! What should I do!!! What should I say! Meanwhile, he phone my brother, not me… Should I accept that? Oh yes, I must talk to him… Then I accept his call. Oh GOD!😕 Hearing his voice, I can’t hold myself to cry… I really sick of crying all day long, reminds me how I hate him treat me like this. I’m quite angry, so I treat him quite unpolite, but I do serve him. He ask where I am now, what I’m doing….👿 Dude, is it important??? Then he begin to cry…. He told that he really missed me!😯 … Really!!! I moved out to my bedroom, I don’t want everybody look me cry… But my brother’s shock look at me… I close my door, then crying accept his call. But my brother’s yell and keep yell, what happen to me? Why do I cry? Then I open the door. Then my brother and my mom enter my bedroom and get angry on me… They both yell at me, confused why do I cry like this? I don’t want Bang Ashral feel so sad again to hear what they both yell at me, so I disconnected it. Then I explain to my mom and oky, that I was online with Bang Ashral. He called me. He wanna talk to me. He said that he was really missed me. So please leave me, coz I know he will recall me a moment later. I hope so…😥
Thanks God! He’s really phone me. I’m crying again, so does him. I can’t lie myself, that I missed him too… But I can’t declare to him. Then I told him what I wanna told. That I give him 3 days for him to rethink all…❗ As I request 3 days to consider to accept him as my boyfriend. Then he said, “Yanq, g’ perlu waktu 3 hari… Abang bakal ngasih jawabannya sekarang… Yanq, abang kangen banget, abang kesana yach?! Ila dirumah kan? Tunggu ya… Sekarang ujan, g’ pa2… Abang bakal kesana yach, tungguin abang…” He told that he was really missed me so much. It’s not important again to wait for 3 days, when I want to give the answer now. He ask me to wait for him at home, he will come to my house… I directly forbid him to come to my house, first I don’t want to meet him, second it was rain outside… But, he didn’t care. I try to forbid him, but he really didn’t care and disconnect our conversation.
Oh God!!! I really don’t want to meet him! I just wanna discuss this by phone… Then for about 6 p.m he came to my house. He phone me, maybe ask me to open the door. I don’t want to meet him, I don’t want to cry in front of him! And I don’t want to be rude to him. I really…. I.. I, mmm, yeah, put it… I really… I, really, … Love him!!!😥
But my brother open the door, then ask me to meet him, so does my mother. They both force me to face this problem. What should I do? Yeah, I must talk to him. Then I erase the tears on my face, get neat, and try to take foot to guest room. Oh sight!!! I can’t handle! So, to hide all my feelings, I.. I say, “Why do you come?”… “Ngapain abang dateng?” … He’s idle. I know he begin to cry, I know how big his love to me….😳 But I must come to him, and sit near to him and begin to talk.
Oh God! He’s really regret not to phone me. He’s really miss me, and explain all…. Then he make an apologize, and told me that how fool he is if ignore me. When himself feel so pain to not to talk to me even just for one day! He kneel to me, then hold my hand… I feel a little affraid, so I go to kitchen, dunno what to do so I bring some waters.😆
Yeah, then we’re back again… Now I know, that I have loved him. He only test me, to prove what he means to me. And we’ve done talk about it. Now I believe that, our love’s becoming stronger than before. Perhaps! Actually I said to him that maybe I can’t give my love to him, but I can’t lie myself, that I’ve begun to love him. Then he asked, May I try to have you love? Still I have the chance? But one thing I stay argue on, my love is only belong to God, no one else! :oops:
You see, how satisfied and cheers I am when the situation’s back… Thanks God!
Alright guyz.. Thanks for sharing, comment will highly appreciated (but it’s if you survive reading my share, :lol:) Actually, my English wasn’t good. Just wanna improve my English so I’m blogging using English.
Have a nice day!!!